I was listening to Tears in Heaven and facebooking at the same time, kind of funny, considering "facebooking" is the norm now, social networks, having "friends"-if not just cyber-friends.. comparing people, seeing where you stand. Assessing yourself, others, everybody you know, and some you don't. Some you know only by face-you don't talk to at all.. some you don't even talk to.They're there,and they aren't.

I had my iPod plugged in the whole time, humming along sometimes, just listening otherwise. Tears in Heaven is one of those songs that makes you LISTEN-not just to the music and the song,but to it. The lyrics , the meaning, the entire depth.

I particularly liked the line "cause I know I don't belong here in heaven"
I think everybody has this "thing" to belong. and then, some of us don't. Some of us sometimes feel lonely and still, we don't say a word. Sometimes, loneliness IS all you need. Because in the end, it's not about others, it's about you, and in the end it matters more that you know yourself than who knows whatever about you. In the end, it matters not how crazy or funny people think you are, but how nice or funny YOU think you are... it's just between you and you.. not between you and a third , fourth or fifth person, so you don't need to care..
But still,why do I care? Sometimes even more so than the next person, more than i need to.Much more so.

But then it does ultimately end up affecting you..why weren't you called?what did you do?Were you not important enough?or just not needed there?

It eats you up slowly, but surely, even though you might pretend that it doesn't affect you, that it's too stupid to bother you at all..

"oh god, I don't CARE what that b*tch thinks!" or " what-ever!" might be the most common responses I've seen. As a third person, of course! Yeah, right.


But then again, that brings me to loneliness.I consider loneliness, or at least some semblance of it, better than being surrounded by droves of 'friends' who aren't really friends, just hangers-on. Pretending to be there for you. But when your moment of truth arrives, ZOOM. Gone, faster than the speed of light. Disappearing when you need them most, appearing when you don't really want them to.

You're there when they need you. But when you need someone, they're gone as fast as they came to you ..every time somebody pretends it's not true, it gets proven. It is.. unless, of course, you throw money at them, constantly. Then, you make what's called fair-weather friends. Sadly, this is the case with me 80% of the time. You behave like a true friend. Stand up for them, thinking they'll do the same.Which in the end, they don't.

You end up having fought in vain. Having protected somebody you didn't protect just because they'd protect you back. Somebody you thought was a friend. But they really weren't.

Money, Money , Money, must be something in a rich man's world. And a poor one's, too.

I just never thought the day would come when it would supersede friendship. Or maybe I'm just not good enough to have good friends. But one day I hope to find that one true friend who doesn't give a fuck what others think of me . Who's my friend anyway. Who doesnt care about a public vote but cares for me and is my friend through all the shit. I don't think I've found that yet, but fantasising never hurt anyone..


And when I log out after scrolling through my friends list on Facebook, listing the names of people from my "friends" list who would stand up for me... I remember the names.. then I disprove myself and my silly thinking come Monday morning.., and as I press logout, my fantasy ends.