How Much Are You Worth?

Self-esteem's something that no one can really define.. It's just there, or it isn't. There are always a thousand people pulling you down, calling you names, making you feel like you're the worst thing on the earth for being the way you are - not slim enough, or tall enough, or buff enough, or clever enough to fit in to something. And however much we claim to grow out of it as we evolve as people, it never really happens. Some 'trivial' things just deepen - changing in adulthood to not earning enough, not having the greatest job in the world, not being married, the list goes on and on and on..
People who think they're insanely successful, have what they want and whatever they want, will go out of their way to make people who don't have those things feel like they don't matter at all.
It starts out in childhood.. when you're the one who's not part of the group playing in the park... and slowly segues into adolescence- when puberty hits you full swing as well..
A hundred people all around, judging by looks this time-"you're so ugly!" or "you're so fat", basically not good enough to fall into any category other than 'freak'. People calling you whatever names they feel like - 'fatty', 'idiot', thinking they can treat you any way they like. Being the only one who's not in a relationship because you're not 'attractive enough'. Attractive being the key word here, because it's defined by the people who think they are. The people who claim to be secure enough to define what beauty is are ultimately more insecure than the people who think they're unattractive.
It's kind of Utopian and idealistic to say everyone's attractive from the outside- but everyone is, from the inside- except the ones who think they're gorgeous from the outside.
People who are considered unattractive from the outside, maybe you are, and maybe you aren't. Just evolve from the inside- because in the end, that's what matters..Because, in the end, it's about you and you alone - not the popular girls in school, or the 'hot' guys .. it's just about you.
I made my peace with being ugly, and I'm much more secure after accepting it as a constant in my life- I know one thing that's permanent- and it gives me that much more ease with the rest of my life...

I was listening to Tears in Heaven and facebooking at the same time, kind of funny, considering "facebooking" is the norm now, social networks, having "friends"-if not just cyber-friends.. comparing people, seeing where you stand. Assessing yourself, others, everybody you know, and some you don't. Some you know only by face-you don't talk to at all.. some you don't even talk to.They're there,and they aren't.

I had my iPod plugged in the whole time, humming along sometimes, just listening otherwise. Tears in Heaven is one of those songs that makes you LISTEN-not just to the music and the song,but to it. The lyrics , the meaning, the entire depth.

I particularly liked the line "cause I know I don't belong here in heaven"
I think everybody has this "thing" to belong. and then, some of us don't. Some of us sometimes feel lonely and still, we don't say a word. Sometimes, loneliness IS all you need. Because in the end, it's not about others, it's about you, and in the end it matters more that you know yourself than who knows whatever about you. In the end, it matters not how crazy or funny people think you are, but how nice or funny YOU think you are... it's just between you and you.. not between you and a third , fourth or fifth person, so you don't need to care..
But still,why do I care? Sometimes even more so than the next person, more than i need to.Much more so.

But then it does ultimately end up affecting you..why weren't you called?what did you do?Were you not important enough?or just not needed there?

It eats you up slowly, but surely, even though you might pretend that it doesn't affect you, that it's too stupid to bother you at all..

"oh god, I don't CARE what that b*tch thinks!" or " what-ever!" might be the most common responses I've seen. As a third person, of course! Yeah, right.


But then again, that brings me to loneliness.I consider loneliness, or at least some semblance of it, better than being surrounded by droves of 'friends' who aren't really friends, just hangers-on. Pretending to be there for you. But when your moment of truth arrives, ZOOM. Gone, faster than the speed of light. Disappearing when you need them most, appearing when you don't really want them to.

You're there when they need you. But when you need someone, they're gone as fast as they came to you ..every time somebody pretends it's not true, it gets proven. It is.. unless, of course, you throw money at them, constantly. Then, you make what's called fair-weather friends. Sadly, this is the case with me 80% of the time. You behave like a true friend. Stand up for them, thinking they'll do the same.Which in the end, they don't.

You end up having fought in vain. Having protected somebody you didn't protect just because they'd protect you back. Somebody you thought was a friend. But they really weren't.

Money, Money , Money, must be something in a rich man's world. And a poor one's, too.

I just never thought the day would come when it would supersede friendship. Or maybe I'm just not good enough to have good friends. But one day I hope to find that one true friend who doesn't give a fuck what others think of me . Who's my friend anyway. Who doesnt care about a public vote but cares for me and is my friend through all the shit. I don't think I've found that yet, but fantasising never hurt anyone..


And when I log out after scrolling through my friends list on Facebook, listing the names of people from my "friends" list who would stand up for me... I remember the names.. then I disprove myself and my silly thinking come Monday morning.., and as I press logout, my fantasy ends.

How do you feel when your love is unrequited and unreciprocated? Bad,of course, but there's a variety of emotions that run through your head at the time..why your love is unrequited..why nobody you love/like loves/likes you back..what they think of you..what other people think of you because you're like that..
Looking at other couples, you see their happiness and unfortunately it causes YOU sadness ..grief that someone else can be happy with one another and you never will..instead of happiness for whatever exists for them..
You begin to question yourself..you begin doubting yourself as a person, begin to think that there's everything in the world wrong with you, to have gone through that..you feel shattered..broken..thrown from the rooftops like a piece of glass that shatters into little pieces on impact..and it becomes increasingly difficult to patch it up again..over and over and over you try to repair the broken remains,but it becomes more and more meticulous and you give up..the tape' or 'glue' you use begins to rot..become old..doesn't work anymore..like the arguments in your own favor you keep coming up with so you'll feel better..that's your glue, your ointment..
I myself go through the problem continuously,day after day,time after time,and I pick up the pieces and try to move on..but every time am burdened by the number of pieces I lug along with me..because it happens doubtlessly EVERY time,even now..it's happening..and I feel the pain everyday..sometimes you have to make your own anaesthesia ..just try to be immune to what you're feeling,try to think about something else that made you happy once..read..or just write down what you feel..
I cry...THAT is my anaesthetic..my panacea...it numbs my pain...cry for as long as you feel you can cry..and when you stop..you'll realise you're much better..and the tears weren't really just water drops..but your grief and the blood from the wounds inside your heart,that have been washed out..it cleanses you..
Again and again I go through heartbreak..sometimes I'd like to quit..nothing ever seems to fit..walking around..some kind of lonely clown...and I DO feel awful..I feel like I'll never love again..but I just move on..with whatever pieces I have left..
And one day, I'll be ready..to meet the person who will help me patch the pieces up..and make it whole again...provide the missing pieces to the vast jigsaw puzzle that my life(and yours,and everybody else's) is....
think about it...